Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

Okay, I’m still confused…

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.