Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.