Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

Labreador

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him: