Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

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vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

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No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like