Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

Lmao

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.