Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.