“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I ate everything, including the H.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR