“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Just as the prophecy foretold
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
☠️☠️☠️
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.