“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I have taken up painting
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
dating is so overrated. let’s just get married
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming