“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
The three genders
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Me trying to look natural in photos
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?