Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.