I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I have questions??
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place