I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.