I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
*lint rolls you awake*
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team