I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Church Pugh’s
(Gaming support cat.)
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.