I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
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interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
when dads have a rap battle
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Interior designer.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.