I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
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ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
never stops being funny
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I’ve disappointed better people.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry