I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy