I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
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My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The fall of Netflix
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind