@PinkCamoTO

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

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@barfolishus

If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.

@_sashayed

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

@Mechaniz10

I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.

@canazn_73

Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.

@ArfMeasures

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

@Gooooats

*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*

@chuuew

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

@The_CamGirl

ME: I love the D
HER:Why?
ME:I love to lick them first
HER:…
ME:Then I love to swallow them
HER:…
ME:I love D

Dunkin’ Donuts Interview

@DaHess1

I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.