If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
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some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.
See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.
Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
ME: I love the D
ME:I love to lick them first
ME:Then I love to swallow them
ME:I love D
Dunkin’ Donuts Interview
I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.