I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
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And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle