I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

You Might Also Like


If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.


some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore


I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.


Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.


911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu


*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*


[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!


ME: I love the D
ME:I love to lick them first
ME:Then I love to swallow them
ME:I love D

Dunkin’ Donuts Interview


I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.