I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
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Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.