Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao