Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know