I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
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They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Squirrels before girls.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
*aggressively waits in line*
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
lol
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck