Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

What a chick magnet..

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way