Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Life’s too short to have your shit together.