I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
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I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
consequences, the bane of my existence
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…