Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

BETRAYAL

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them