I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
How to make infinite energy.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”