I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Phonetics
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
OKAY DAD
