I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
You Might Also Like
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*