I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
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Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]