I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
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apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Flock of bats
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
*gets down on one knee*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
The point of your 20s
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place