I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
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Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
this is funnier than any friends episode
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Wait a second…
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.