I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
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[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.