Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Happens to everyone.

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.