I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
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It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
lol
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.