I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
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i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]