I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
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MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Basically.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating