Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

I was just discussing this with my cat

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

I found your tweet-up…

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.