I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
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Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth