I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
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When you pick your nose after dusting the house
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.