I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
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Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..