I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
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*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine