Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter