“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
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Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.