“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
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This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”