“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
You Might Also Like
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
