Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

worst…sale…ever

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue