I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
