Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

the world’s most popular steaming services

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.