Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

I’m having an out of money experience.

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.

If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.

Like, if you agree.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal