Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Uh oh…

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.