I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”