Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish