Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

Proctology is located in A55

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

My birthstone is a marshmallow