I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
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you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
huge if true: the moon
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Sex so good you see dead people.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.