I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
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Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
black phone good
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?