Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

good morning

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.