@Darlainky

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

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@rachel2manypaws

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

@dumbbeezie

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

@AmericanGent69

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

@Pirate_nurse

To be clear…putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves

@shutupmikeginn

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

@OctopusCaveman

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

@UrFavAsianGuy

Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.

@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

@CheryeDavis

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.