I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

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The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.


I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married


Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling


To be clear…putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves


I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’


Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.


Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.


Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.


I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.