ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
You Might Also Like
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.