I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
men, we mow at sunrise.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”