Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait