Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.