I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.