I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
🙄😏😂🤣
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
and this one
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.