i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
