Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

My favorite farside!!

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger