i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.