i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying