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@causticbob

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

@not_delicate

“Oh yeah? Define obsessed,” I demand, as I pull my shirt back down to cover the tattoo of your face on my stomach

@IntrepidDeviant

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

@junejuly12

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

@miffedmim

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

@lolacoaster

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

@_salt_n_lime

My husband seems suspicious of how often I leave the house to call my boyfriend. It’s like he doesn’t know communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

@zachreinert03

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

@ericsshadow

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?