Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
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[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Did my cat write this
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.