I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
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My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.