I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
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4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.