I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
You Might Also Like
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Free him
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again