I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
You Might Also Like
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
CRYING
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo