Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

the zen of frog

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*