I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
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I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.