Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!