I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
when you are just born a rebel
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy