Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher