Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

Emma is smarter than all of us.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.