Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.